The art of conversation consists in the exercise of two fine qualities. You must originate, and you must sympathize; you must possess at the same time the habit of communicating and of listening attentively.
The union is rare but irresistible.
A Conversation Piece, Solomon Joseph Solomon, 1884, Collection Leighton House Museum, London
L'arte della conversazione consiste nell'esercizio di due buone qualità: bisogna essere in grado di cominciare un discorso e di mostrare comprensione; è necessario possedere allo stesso tempo l'abitudine di comunicare e di ascoltare con attenzione.
Il possederle entrambe è raro, ma realmente irresistibile.
Queste le primissime righe con cui comincia a guidare i nostri Victorians nelle regole necessarie per una conversazione educata, accattivante ed elegante il The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness - A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society edito nel 1860, che in XXVI capitoli stabiliva le principali norme necessarie affinché una Lady mostrasse in società il meglio di sé, e lo facesse con il più estremo buongusto.
Il capitolo Idi tale corposo manuale è proprio dedicato alla conversazione, il primo modo in cui ci si presenta agli altri, il più delicato ed il più importante; esso enunciava le regole per guidare il discorso indispensabili ad una perfetta padrona di casa in occasione di un tè, ad una cena formale o qualora fosse stata ospite ad un ballo o ad un incontro galante, su di una carrozza pubblica o in una Coffee House.
First Class. The Meeting ... and at First Meeting Loved (National Gallery of Canada, Ottawa) Abraham Solomon, (1824 -1862)
Innanzitutto il galateo vittoriano stabiliva che la eccessiva confidenza nelle conversazioni in pubblico fosse da evitare anche tra marito e moglie i quali avrebbero dovuto rivolgersi l'un l'altro senza utilizzare appellativi o diminutivi a cui erano avvezzi tra le mura domestiche, usando piuttosto l'intero nome di battesimo; era inoltre considerato scortese dire 'Mrs. Colonel Smith' o 'Mrs. Sergeant Jones', così come lo era ripetere il titolo di una persona in una conversazione. Questo valeva anche per l'uso di "Sir", "Madam", "Mr," e "Mrs" ma vediamo nel dettaglio le altre regole dettate dall'etichetta al fine di evitare incidenti di galateo.
Non bisognava mai proporre argomenti che costituissero motivo di dolore o sconforto per chi era presente e se, malauguratamente, ciò accadeva, era scorretto interrompere il discorso qualora di ciò ci si rendeva conto, ma bisognava tralasciare l'argomento per gradi cedendo magari il discorso ad un altro presente che si cercava di coinvolgere, perché va ricordato che era considerato estremamente scorretto l'essere protagonisti assoluti di ogni discorso; il galateo vietava, per correttezza, di interrompere chi stava parlando, ed anche qualora l'argomento che questi proponeva stimolava domande, era comunque necessario attendere che avesse terminato il suo discorso per porle.
Era buona norma parlare sempre con tono sostenuto, ma mai ad alta voce, trovando il giusto compromesso tra l'urlare ed il borbottio e non usare mai parole in francese od anche in spagnolo, pur in presenza di persone che padroneggiavano la lingua:
Ho sentito una signora citare una frase in spagnolo: aveva imparato una frase sola, ma un signore di Cuba, felice di incontrare un americano con cui poter conversare nella propria lingua, immediatamente si rivolse a lei in spagnolo. In preda all'imbarazzo ed alla vergogna ella fu costretta a confessare che la sua conoscenza della lingua era limitata a quella citazione. 1
Hush! (The Concert) - Jacques Joseph (James) Tissot, (1836 - 1902)
In the Conservatory, Jacques Joseph (James) Tissot, (1836 - 1902)
Non bisognava mai screditare un amico assente o criticare l'abbigliamento od il modo di porsi di un presente, sarebbe stata pura meschinità, se poi questi godeva dell'ammirazione degli altri era buona norma lasciare che conservassero il loro parere in pace, anche perché a cadere in disistima, a quel punto, non sarebbe stato costui, ma voi stessi, apparendo di carattere invidioso e perfido; una Lady decorosa avrebbe inoltre evitato di far vertere la propria conversazione su qualsiasi argomento che avrebbe potuto indurre disgusto nel suo uditorio, come entrare nel dettaglio di talune malattie, di parassiti, di piante nocive, o di casi di sporcizia, non solo a tavola, ma in qualsiasi altro luogo, così come il galateo severamente condannava l'abitudine di usare frasi che ammettono di un doppio significato e la trattazione di argomenti di natura religiosa.
The Ball on Shipboard, Jacques Joseph (James) Tissot, (1836 - 1902)
The Dinner Party, Jules-Alexandre Grün (1868 - 1928)
Too Early, Jacques Joseph (James) Tissot, (1836 - 1902)
Per concludere cito dalla pagina 12 del suddetto prestigioso 'HANDBOOK':
"Vorrei fissare, una sola grande regola generale per la conversazione, che è la seguente: le persone non dovrebbero mai parlare per compiacere se stesse, quanto piuttosto chi le ascolta. Questo dovrebbe indurle a pensare se ciò di cui parlano vale la pena di essere ascoltato, se ci sia o meno spirito o senso in ciò che si apprestano a dire, e se sia consono al momento, al luogo e alla persona cui si rivolgono."
Holiday, Jacques Joseph (James) Tissot, (1836 - 1902)
Certo è che in una società in grado di seguire alla lettera le norme che l'etichetta imponeva, il rispetto reciproco, la buona creanza, la mitezza di carattere e l'umiltà erano alla regola del giorno in qualsiasi ambiente ...
.... ed ancora una volta mi trovo a provare rimpianto per essere nata nel secolo sbagliato !
Queen Victoria in Conversation with the Prince and Princess of Wales, Author’s Collection
Con sentito affetto e devozione vi ringrazio sinceramente per il sostegno, l'entusiasmo e l'affetto di cui sempre più mi fate dono,
a presto carissimi lettori ed amici ♥
FONTI BIBLIOGRAFICHE:
Florence Heartley, The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness - A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society, G.W.COTTRELL PUBLISHER, Boston, 1860.
CITAZIONI:
1 - Florence Heartley, The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness - A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society, G.W.COTTRELL PUBLISHER, Boston, 1860, pag. 16.
The art of conversation consists in the exercise of two fine qualities. You must originate, and you must sympathize; you must possess at the same time the habit of communicating and of listening attentively.
The union is rare but irresistible.
- picture 1 - A Conversation Piece, Solomon Joseph Solomon, 1884, Collection Leighton House Museum, London
These are the very first lines with which The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness - A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society, written by Florence Heartley and published in 1860, which established, along its XXVI chapters, the necessary provisions to ensure a Lady to show the best of herself, and to do it with extreme good taste, begins to guide our Victorians in the rules necessary for a polite and attractive conversation.
The first chapter of this full-bodied manual is precisely devoted to conversation, the first way in which one presents to the others, surely the most delicate and the most important one; it enunciated the rules to guide the discourse essential to a perfect hostess at a tea, at a formal dinner or if she has been host to a dance or a gallant encounter, on a public carriage or in a Coffee House.
- picture 2 - First Class. The Meeting ... and at First Meeting Loved (National Gallery of Canada, Ottawa) Abraham Solomon, (1824 -1862)
First of all, the Victorian etiquette stated that excessive confidence in public conversations was to be avoided even between husband and wife who were to contact each other without using nicknames or diminutives, to which they were accustomed at home, rather using their forename; was also considered impolite to say 'Mrs. Colonel Smith 'or' Mrs. Sergeant Jones', as it was to repeat the title of a person in a conversation. This also applied to the use of "Sir", "Madam", "Mr" and "Mrs" but let's see in detail the other rules dictated by the ceremonial in order to avoid accidents etiquette.
A polite Lady should never had to propose topics that may cause of pain or discomfort for those who were present and if, unfortunately, this happened, it wasn't right to interrupt suddenly the speech as soon as she realized, but had to leave the topic gradually yielding perhaps the speech to another person whom she had to try to involve, because it must be remembered that it was considered extremely unfair to be the only protagonists of every speech; etiquette forbade, to be fair, to let terminate the voice that spoke, and even if the argument that was proposed stimulated questions, it was still necessary to wait until the speech was finished to ask them.
It was good practice always to talk with a good tone of voice , but never out loud, finding the right compromise between the scream and the whisper and never use words in French or in Spanish, despite the presence of people who mastered the language:
I heard a lady once use a Spanish quotation; she had mastered that one sentence alone; but a Cuban gentleman, delighted to meet an American who could converse with him in his own tongue, immediately addressed her in Spanish. Embarrassed and ashamed, she was obliged to confess that her knowledge of the language was confined to one quotation. 1
- picture 3 - Hush! (The Concert) - Jacques Joseph (James) Tissot, (1836 - 1902)
It was a good rule to overlook the deficiencies of the others in conversation, never correct them or point out their errors, and, if the confidence allowed it, you could do it later in private, but it was not pointing out the flaws of the others that a Lady showed her wisdom, but rather in the modesty that must reign supreme over all the other rules of life. If, on the other hand, those with whom she conversed used words or expressions difficult to understand was not to hesitate or show shame for her ignorance, but it was only right to ask for an explanation, remembering that you never had to meddle in professional conversations implying specific competencies, which were to be listened in reverent silence.
- picture 4 - In the Conservatory, Jacques Joseph (James) Tissot, (1836 - 1902)
It was considered unpolite to discredit an absent friend or to criticize the clothing or the way of being of a present, it would been sheer pettiness, if he or she enjoyed the admiration of others it was a good idea to let people retained their view in peace, because to fall in contempt, at that point, it would not be him, but yourself, appearing of envious and treacherous character; a decent Lady would also avoid to focus her conversation on any subject that might have induced disgust in her audience, for example to get into the detail of certain diseases, pests, noxious plants, or cases of dirt, not only at table, but in any other place, as well as the etiquette strictly condemned the habit of using sentences that admit a double meaning and the discussion about religious topics.
- picture 5 - The Ball on Shipboard, Jacques Joseph (James) Tissot, (1836 - 1902)
Expressing an opinion was to avoid the peremptory and affirm that a thing "it is so", but it was certainly more polite and appreciated to express an opinion saying: "I think this is so", or "these are my opinions "; it was considered a good rule for young Ladies to converse with a Lady they knew, if in the room there were gentlemen, and talk to one of them only in presence of several other Ladies.
- picture 6 - The Dinner Party, Jules-Alexandre Grün (1868 - 1928)
To conclude, to be able to converse appropriately and correctly, Florence Heartley considered it to be necessary to read much, treasuring what was read, to have a quick understanding, observe events that happened at the time, that is, to be updated, and listen carefully whenever the opportunity arose to acquire some knowledge.
- picture 7 - Too Early, Jacques Joseph (James) Tissot, (1836 - 1902)
Finally I quote from page 12 of that prestigious 'HANDBOOK':
"I would establish but one great general rule in conversation, which is this—that people should not talk to please themselves, but those who hear them. This would make them consider whether what they speak be worth hearing; whether there be either wit or sense in what they are about to say; and whether it be adapted to the time when, the place where, and the person to whom, it is spoken."
- picture 8 - Holiday, Jacques Joseph (James) Tissot, (1836 - 1902)
What is certain is that in a society able to follow the rules imposed by the etiquette, mutual respect, good manners, gentleness of character and humility were the rule of the day in everywhere ... and once more I am feeling regret for being born in the wrong century !
- picture 9 - Queen Victoria in Conversation with the Prince and Princess of Wales, Author’s Collection
With warm affection and devotion I thank you sincerely for the support, the enthusiasm and the affection which you increasingly present me as a gift,
see you soon dearest readers and friends ♥
BIBLIOGRAPHIC SOURCES:
Florence Heartley, The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness - A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society, G.W.COTTRELL PUBLISHER, Boston, 1860.
QUOTATIONS:
1 - Florence Heartley, The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness - A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society, G.W.COTTRELL PUBLISHER, Boston, 1860, pag. 16.